Misanthropy Is So Underrated

Resentment is So Overrated

Posted in Overrated by mpal219 on 02/12/2009

The Burning Desire to Hate Can be Intense

Resentment – A feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

Over the last couple weeks talking to a few people I have observed one thing. People always have beef with someone else. I mean some of the beef that people have run really deep into the depths of their heart. This intense beef is the reason why Resentment is So Overrated.

It is my hope that I don’t come off as someone who is exempt fromc feeling resentment. As a matter of fact, it is my resentment that prompted me to write this blog. However, I have been doing some reading and talking with some other people and I think that understanding what resentment is will help you figure how to release.

An old cliche quote that I hold year’s ago really nails how damaging resentment can be:

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Dealing with people over the last year has been very challanging. As a result, I know that I am holding some resentment towards those people. I truly don’t want to go into 2010 with these feelings of resentment. I hope that if you are feeling the same way you have the same desire to shed resentment leading into the new year. After talking to some people and doing some reading here are some conclusions that I came up with:

1. The Winner Takes It All – It is a coincidence that this is actually the name of one of my favourite ABBA songs. My favourite part of the song comes in the very beginning and the very end of the song.

I dont want to talk,
about all the things we gone through,
Though it’s hurting me,
Now it’s history,
I’ve played all of my cards,
and that’s what you’ve done too,
nothing more to say,
no more ace to place,
The Winner Takes it All
-and-
I don’t want to talk,
If it makes you feel bad,
And I understand that you’ve come to shake my hand,
I apologize,
If it makes you feel bad,
seeing me so tense,
no self-confidence,
But you see the Winnter Takes it All

These are my two favourite parts of the song because it really describes the growth and thinking that musth happen as you work through the ways that someone has harmed, hurt, or betrayed you. I see the first set of lyrics showing how angry one can be about the whole situation. Why is there even a need to talk? You have done your do and now you are the big “Winner” so go about your life. However, in the meantime you are still feeling this anger and getting rid of this person has done nothing to help aid your growth or development.

 I think you become fully self-acutalized in the whole situation when you can embrace the last part of the song. These lyrics do two important things. It  allows the person, who was hurt, to acknowledges the pain that the other person may have about the situation and choose to opt out of making it an issue. The other thing it does is show that you have grown to acknowledge that you were the “loser” in the situation and that you were hurt, but released it. The “Winner Takes it All” they must deal with the feelings of seeing you “so tense no self confidence” because you have move forward. I think that if we could all get to that point we can release the resentment that we have towards people. To finally forgive that person. That leads to the second conclusion.

2. Forgiveness is Is Essential – Similar to grieving I have read that forgiveness has steps…actually 7 of them.
(1) Admit You Are Angry! – A good way of  seeing if you are angry is think about your inner monologue. When you think about this person what comes to mind? If it garners negatives feelings then you are angry!

(2) Acknowledge the Loss and Consequences – This is why I like writing and blogging. It allowed me to take inventory on everything (physical, emotional, financial, etc.) that I’ve lost as a result of being hurt or betrayed. When you are angry with someone take a few moments and take inventory of the things you lost.

(3) Be willing to feel Vulnerable – This has to be the toughest one. It requires you to change your view on the situation and even worse find out how you contributed to the negatgive situation. It is an important step or you won’t be able to move forward.

(4) Stop Punishing – This one is hard for me. When someone pisses me off the first thing I want to do is punnish them for doing wrong towards me. However, I found the energy that you put into that only makes you more angry and makes the other person more resentful. What good does that do towards resolving the situation.

(5) Identify Some Good in the Other Person – Again another tough one for me….just as important though.

(6) Develop Genuine Neturality – Find a common spot between the person(s) is difficult but important. This plays into the last part of the last part of the the Winner Takes it All. Letting go even if that means that you may not see or have contact with this person again you have let the situation go and found a common spot. 

(7) Stay in the Present – Once you Squash it…squash it. If you have to keep bringing it up then you haven’t forgiven that person.

Now I know this a long blog so I am going to cut it off here. I am going to post a Resentment is Overrated Too which will discuss why it builds in the first place. But if you have some resentment right now take the time to read this blog and ponder it. I know after writing it there are a few phone calls that I have to make. Part II will be coming out in a few days.

P.S. Here is the ABBA song in case you want to hear it.

The Winner Takes it All

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Yearning is So Underrated

Posted in Underrated by mpal219 on 23/10/2009

Yearning: a tender of urgent longing; a persistent often melancholy desire

Yearning is one of my favourite words in the English language. Who knew that they could come up with a word that could take the word wanting to the next level. Well they did it. In life we yearn for something — whether if that is to be a new job, money, graduating for school It is something that you feel so want so bad that it hurts. I think it is the hurt part that people focus on that ultimately influences one in ignoring the things they are yearning. Yearning is hard because it is so close, but yet so far away. However, I think that if we focus on the things that we yearn, we can then begin to make the strides that are needed to obtain those tender and melancholy desires, which is why yearning is so underrated.

This past year has really allowed me to understand what I have been yearning for all of this time. I mean I have many desires and wants and for the most part I have been able to get them. However, the things that I have been yearning for seem to always end short or empty at the end of the day. I have told many people that one of my biggest regrets from this year was wasting so much time on things (namely relationships) that have gone nowhere and seemed like they were going down the tubes from early on. I’ve had three relationships this year and each have all ended for some bizarre reason. Ironically, I was held bent on trying to frame this in a you wasted your time, but you are going to find the one motif. However, each relationship I had I took a part of me that I know is essential to my character and silenced it. In my first relationship (carry over from 2008) I gave up my ability to see the bigger picture and “call a spade a spade” and realise all of the faults and things that I wasn’t really willing to deal with. In my second relationship-ish, I gave up my ability to communicate what I wanted in hopes that he would eventually say the words that I wanted to hear. In my most recent relationship, I gave up my ability to set boundaries with people in the hopes that he knew that I really cared about him and wanted the best for him. All in all I was really ready to become sour on the whole idea of dating and relationships, and I realised that the compromise of my character stems from a yearning to actually love someone and to get that love in return.

While some may say that the ‘love exchange’ is something that all people look for…I think that generalisation has not been true to me. In my early days of dating, I feel that I was getting together with people because they were convenient or nice to have around and the idea of a boyfriend was great. That is because I didn’t know how to show love and affection. I didn’t get it as a child (at least not in a intense sense) so how was I able to show it then. However, as I got older I begin to realise that people can be your best asset or your greatest liability in your life and that it is those assets that you hold on for dear life. I felt like an asset if you invest into it then it will give you a return. For example:

Relationship Two
(Note: This relationship ended officially because of me not telling the truth, but I will explain it in a second.)
In this relationship I wanted nothing more than to be that persons guy. He was going through a lot of stuff in his life and as an observer I felt like I should try to help out as much as possible with the thought that if this were to work out that the same thing would happen on my end. I enjoyed this person’s company and loved his grounded nature. I appreciated and marveled at his willingness to go above and beyond for the people that he cared about even sometimes to his own peril. I enjoyed his sense of humor. I loved that he appreciated the simple things, but was still willing to enjoy and embrace more elborate things. I loved that he was hard working and willing if he put his mind to it. In other words I was really enjoying this person as a person.

My Yearning: I desired that he would be able to tell me what he liked about me. I desired that he would voice his feelings for me. I desired that he showed affection around everyone he knew.

What Happened: However, I was never really clear on how he felt. I always questioned his feelings and would frequently ponder randomly whether it was all worth it. I knew he had a rough past with other guys, but I failed to communicate with him my desire to be different because I was afraid it would be perceived as me moving too fast and ultimately push him away. (This was based on my assessment from our first go around.) So I stayed silent and while I was able to show him my care and affection I frequently felt like I wasn’t getting it in return. But I held on hope that one day that would change. It ultimately became a situation where I felt (whether or not it was true) I was giving it to him. This is ultimately why I continued on talking to the person who I ultimately got into the third relationship of the year with. What R2 wasn’t able to give me…even on a rudimentary scale I felt like I was getting that from R3. I think my error came in the fact that I failed to communicate to R2 what I was really feeling into all the things began to blow up in my face.

Relationship Three
In the beginning of this relationship I felt like this person was giving me all the things I wanted in regards to affection, voicing that affection, and living on it. I liked this person spontaneity — I marveled at his ability to live off off the cuff and still be able to function. I enjoyed his personality we had this unspoken competitiveness that I enjoyed and we would frequently banter back and forth. I liked that he was trying to get his life in order…and enjoyed watching it unfold. I liked that he demanded that I show him affection and would never take no for an answer. I liked that he was okay with me being me even though it was totally different from what he was used to (and likewise for me.) I liked he was up for doing different things and was very vocal about it. I liked that he was attentive to my moods and problems and vice versa. I really was enjoying being with him and I was really hoping that he would feel the same way too.

What Happened: I didn’t set boundaries. When he slept with someone else midway through the relationship and then lied about it I should have set boundaries and limitations there and really scaled back any affection that showed to him. However, I intensified it to show that I really do care about you and I want you to see that and understand that. Ultimately, I felt like he was just not in the same place that I was in. Although I feel like if I would have never bought it up we will still be dating today…I feel like it would have been forced for both of us.

With all this said:
I felt like I need to write this blog to really talk about some of the strengths and weaknesses of yearning. When you want something so bad it can be a strength. That means you are willing to do whatever you need to do and push through all the negativity in order to achieve it. Again, that can be yearning for anything (fame, money, job, etc.) On the flip side of it all you can be blinded by that intense yearning and start to compromise your own behaviour and integrity to achieve your desire. That is what I felt like I did in the relationships I had in the last year. I did things, made decisions, and acted in ways that I would have never acted. It is those actions that I am regretful. It is with those actions that I still feel sorrow about how things went down.

For the Future:
In the future I have decided to take several “Non-Negotiables” in regards to my relationships as to keep my mind clear and focused on a clean and “organic” route to my goals:

1. The momment I feel like a relationship is not going the way I would like it I will communicate it, and if that doesn’t change or I don’t see any improvment I am going to end it.

2. I am going to communicate my feelings regardless of what that other person may feel about them. If I like you I am going to tell you I like, if I want to be with you I will tell you that, etc. Never again will I allow a relationship to run on someone else’s terms.

3. I am going to continue my MO of setting boundaries with people. I say all the time I am no (insert really attractive, really whatever guy), but I am me. I can only give what I have to offer. With that said, I am going to let people know and hold them accountable for doing something against me especially when all I did was show compassion, care, energy, and interest. It is not fair to me let something like that happen and for me to continue on without consequences.

The fact that yearning is so underrated is the reason why I made mistakes throughout the year and have learned from them now. I do not regret the time I spent with the people that I was with especially the latter two.