Misanthropy Is So Underrated

Yearning is So Underrated

Posted in Underrated by mpal219 on 23/10/2009

Yearning: a tender of urgent longing; a persistent often melancholy desire

Yearning is one of my favourite words in the English language. Who knew that they could come up with a word that could take the word wanting to the next level. Well they did it. In life we yearn for something — whether if that is to be a new job, money, graduating for school It is something that you feel so want so bad that it hurts. I think it is the hurt part that people focus on that ultimately influences one in ignoring the things they are yearning. Yearning is hard because it is so close, but yet so far away. However, I think that if we focus on the things that we yearn, we can then begin to make the strides that are needed to obtain those tender and melancholy desires, which is why yearning is so underrated.

This past year has really allowed me to understand what I have been yearning for all of this time. I mean I have many desires and wants and for the most part I have been able to get them. However, the things that I have been yearning for seem to always end short or empty at the end of the day. I have told many people that one of my biggest regrets from this year was wasting so much time on things (namely relationships) that have gone nowhere and seemed like they were going down the tubes from early on. I’ve had three relationships this year and each have all ended for some bizarre reason. Ironically, I was held bent on trying to frame this in a you wasted your time, but you are going to find the one motif. However, each relationship I had I took a part of me that I know is essential to my character and silenced it. In my first relationship (carry over from 2008) I gave up my ability to see the bigger picture and “call a spade a spade” and realise all of the faults and things that I wasn’t really willing to deal with. In my second relationship-ish, I gave up my ability to communicate what I wanted in hopes that he would eventually say the words that I wanted to hear. In my most recent relationship, I gave up my ability to set boundaries with people in the hopes that he knew that I really cared about him and wanted the best for him. All in all I was really ready to become sour on the whole idea of dating and relationships, and I realised that the compromise of my character stems from a yearning to actually love someone and to get that love in return.

While some may say that the ‘love exchange’ is something that all people look for…I think that generalisation has not been true to me. In my early days of dating, I feel that I was getting together with people because they were convenient or nice to have around and the idea of a boyfriend was great. That is because I didn’t know how to show love and affection. I didn’t get it as a child (at least not in a intense sense) so how was I able to show it then. However, as I got older I begin to realise that people can be your best asset or your greatest liability in your life and that it is those assets that you hold on for dear life. I felt like an asset if you invest into it then it will give you a return. For example:

Relationship Two
(Note: This relationship ended officially because of me not telling the truth, but I will explain it in a second.)
In this relationship I wanted nothing more than to be that persons guy. He was going through a lot of stuff in his life and as an observer I felt like I should try to help out as much as possible with the thought that if this were to work out that the same thing would happen on my end. I enjoyed this person’s company and loved his grounded nature. I appreciated and marveled at his willingness to go above and beyond for the people that he cared about even sometimes to his own peril. I enjoyed his sense of humor. I loved that he appreciated the simple things, but was still willing to enjoy and embrace more elborate things. I loved that he was hard working and willing if he put his mind to it. In other words I was really enjoying this person as a person.

My Yearning: I desired that he would be able to tell me what he liked about me. I desired that he would voice his feelings for me. I desired that he showed affection around everyone he knew.

What Happened: However, I was never really clear on how he felt. I always questioned his feelings and would frequently ponder randomly whether it was all worth it. I knew he had a rough past with other guys, but I failed to communicate with him my desire to be different because I was afraid it would be perceived as me moving too fast and ultimately push him away. (This was based on my assessment from our first go around.) So I stayed silent and while I was able to show him my care and affection I frequently felt like I wasn’t getting it in return. But I held on hope that one day that would change. It ultimately became a situation where I felt (whether or not it was true) I was giving it to him. This is ultimately why I continued on talking to the person who I ultimately got into the third relationship of the year with. What R2 wasn’t able to give me…even on a rudimentary scale I felt like I was getting that from R3. I think my error came in the fact that I failed to communicate to R2 what I was really feeling into all the things began to blow up in my face.

Relationship Three
In the beginning of this relationship I felt like this person was giving me all the things I wanted in regards to affection, voicing that affection, and living on it. I liked this person spontaneity — I marveled at his ability to live off off the cuff and still be able to function. I enjoyed his personality we had this unspoken competitiveness that I enjoyed and we would frequently banter back and forth. I liked that he was trying to get his life in order…and enjoyed watching it unfold. I liked that he demanded that I show him affection and would never take no for an answer. I liked that he was okay with me being me even though it was totally different from what he was used to (and likewise for me.) I liked he was up for doing different things and was very vocal about it. I liked that he was attentive to my moods and problems and vice versa. I really was enjoying being with him and I was really hoping that he would feel the same way too.

What Happened: I didn’t set boundaries. When he slept with someone else midway through the relationship and then lied about it I should have set boundaries and limitations there and really scaled back any affection that showed to him. However, I intensified it to show that I really do care about you and I want you to see that and understand that. Ultimately, I felt like he was just not in the same place that I was in. Although I feel like if I would have never bought it up we will still be dating today…I feel like it would have been forced for both of us.

With all this said:
I felt like I need to write this blog to really talk about some of the strengths and weaknesses of yearning. When you want something so bad it can be a strength. That means you are willing to do whatever you need to do and push through all the negativity in order to achieve it. Again, that can be yearning for anything (fame, money, job, etc.) On the flip side of it all you can be blinded by that intense yearning and start to compromise your own behaviour and integrity to achieve your desire. That is what I felt like I did in the relationships I had in the last year. I did things, made decisions, and acted in ways that I would have never acted. It is those actions that I am regretful. It is with those actions that I still feel sorrow about how things went down.

For the Future:
In the future I have decided to take several “Non-Negotiables” in regards to my relationships as to keep my mind clear and focused on a clean and “organic” route to my goals:

1. The momment I feel like a relationship is not going the way I would like it I will communicate it, and if that doesn’t change or I don’t see any improvment I am going to end it.

2. I am going to communicate my feelings regardless of what that other person may feel about them. If I like you I am going to tell you I like, if I want to be with you I will tell you that, etc. Never again will I allow a relationship to run on someone else’s terms.

3. I am going to continue my MO of setting boundaries with people. I say all the time I am no (insert really attractive, really whatever guy), but I am me. I can only give what I have to offer. With that said, I am going to let people know and hold them accountable for doing something against me especially when all I did was show compassion, care, energy, and interest. It is not fair to me let something like that happen and for me to continue on without consequences.

The fact that yearning is so underrated is the reason why I made mistakes throughout the year and have learned from them now. I do not regret the time I spent with the people that I was with especially the latter two.