Misanthropy Is So Underrated

Resentment is So Overrated

Posted in Overrated by mpal219 on 02/12/2009

The Burning Desire to Hate Can be Intense

Resentment – A feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

Over the last couple weeks talking to a few people I have observed one thing. People always have beef with someone else. I mean some of the beef that people have run really deep into the depths of their heart. This intense beef is the reason why Resentment is So Overrated.

It is my hope that I don’t come off as someone who is exempt fromc feeling resentment. As a matter of fact, it is my resentment that prompted me to write this blog. However, I have been doing some reading and talking with some other people and I think that understanding what resentment is will help you figure how to release.

An old cliche quote that I hold year’s ago really nails how damaging resentment can be:

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Dealing with people over the last year has been very challanging. As a result, I know that I am holding some resentment towards those people. I truly don’t want to go into 2010 with these feelings of resentment. I hope that if you are feeling the same way you have the same desire to shed resentment leading into the new year. After talking to some people and doing some reading here are some conclusions that I came up with:

1. The Winner Takes It All – It is a coincidence that this is actually the name of one of my favourite ABBA songs. My favourite part of the song comes in the very beginning and the very end of the song.

I dont want to talk,
about all the things we gone through,
Though it’s hurting me,
Now it’s history,
I’ve played all of my cards,
and that’s what you’ve done too,
nothing more to say,
no more ace to place,
The Winner Takes it All
I don’t want to talk,
If it makes you feel bad,
And I understand that you’ve come to shake my hand,
I apologize,
If it makes you feel bad,
seeing me so tense,
no self-confidence,
But you see the Winnter Takes it All

These are my two favourite parts of the song because it really describes the growth and thinking that musth happen as you work through the ways that someone has harmed, hurt, or betrayed you. I see the first set of lyrics showing how angry one can be about the whole situation. Why is there even a need to talk? You have done your do and now you are the big “Winner” so go about your life. However, in the meantime you are still feeling this anger and getting rid of this person has done nothing to help aid your growth or development.

 I think you become fully self-acutalized in the whole situation when you can embrace the last part of the song. These lyrics do two important things. It  allows the person, who was hurt, to acknowledges the pain that the other person may have about the situation and choose to opt out of making it an issue. The other thing it does is show that you have grown to acknowledge that you were the “loser” in the situation and that you were hurt, but released it. The “Winner Takes it All” they must deal with the feelings of seeing you “so tense no self confidence” because you have move forward. I think that if we could all get to that point we can release the resentment that we have towards people. To finally forgive that person. That leads to the second conclusion.

2. Forgiveness is Is Essential – Similar to grieving I have read that forgiveness has steps…actually 7 of them.
(1) Admit You Are Angry! – A good way of  seeing if you are angry is think about your inner monologue. When you think about this person what comes to mind? If it garners negatives feelings then you are angry!

(2) Acknowledge the Loss and Consequences – This is why I like writing and blogging. It allowed me to take inventory on everything (physical, emotional, financial, etc.) that I’ve lost as a result of being hurt or betrayed. When you are angry with someone take a few moments and take inventory of the things you lost.

(3) Be willing to feel Vulnerable – This has to be the toughest one. It requires you to change your view on the situation and even worse find out how you contributed to the negatgive situation. It is an important step or you won’t be able to move forward.

(4) Stop Punishing – This one is hard for me. When someone pisses me off the first thing I want to do is punnish them for doing wrong towards me. However, I found the energy that you put into that only makes you more angry and makes the other person more resentful. What good does that do towards resolving the situation.

(5) Identify Some Good in the Other Person – Again another tough one for me….just as important though.

(6) Develop Genuine Neturality – Find a common spot between the person(s) is difficult but important. This plays into the last part of the last part of the the Winner Takes it All. Letting go even if that means that you may not see or have contact with this person again you have let the situation go and found a common spot. 

(7) Stay in the Present – Once you Squash it…squash it. If you have to keep bringing it up then you haven’t forgiven that person.

Now I know this a long blog so I am going to cut it off here. I am going to post a Resentment is Overrated Too which will discuss why it builds in the first place. But if you have some resentment right now take the time to read this blog and ponder it. I know after writing it there are a few phone calls that I have to make. Part II will be coming out in a few days.

P.S. Here is the ABBA song in case you want to hear it.

The Winner Takes it All


Options are So Overrated & Underrated

Posted in Overrated, Underrated by mpal219 on 23/10/2009

Options: the power or right to choose : freedom of choice

In life we are always faced with the fact that a decision must be made. Whether it is simple as choosing what breakfast to eat in the morning or as difficult as choosing a career. As an adult you are always forced to make a decisions. Inevitably with decisions there are options. Options are a very tricky things. There is so much POWER in the options that you have. I have witnessed this power doing wonderful things, while at other times I’ve seen this power take a turn for the worst. The fluid nature of of the power makes options overrated & underrated.
The “freedom of choice” motto/motif is one of the basic “principles” of our American society. We are free to do what we want when we want. Then why do we run away from this choice. When you get down to it the power in your freedom of choice is very hard to handle. Why? There are so many different things that you must take into account before you make a decision: personal experiences, perceptions, feelings, other people’s feelings, morals, thoughts, attitudes, stands, etc. But when I think about it these are things you keep in mind when you make an intelligent decision. That a decision to lay all the cards out on table and figure out all of the options that you have.
It is very unfortunate that many people (especially people I know) don’t make intelligent decisions. To quote one of the people I know, making decisions “with one hand over my eye.” I have the option to do the best for me but I don’t want to take advantage of the power and freedom that comes along with that. I will just hope for the best. Granted, there needs to be some level of spontaneous decision making in your life, but when does the spontaneous decision making end and the intelligent one begin? Options are a gift and a curse from whatever higher being you may or may not believe in. When making a decision with “one hand over your eye” you allow that covered eye to be blinded to reality of the situation. A keen knowledge of reality will lead to understand the big picture.
What happens when you don’t make an intelligent decision? Well that’s obvious… you get lucky and everything will work out or you are going to cause harm to yourself or others. I feel the latter part of the last sentence is what really fuels my misanthropy. Why? Because what I am about to say in that regard is relatively straight-forward and at the same time slightly complex.
Scenario: John is Franks friend. John does something to Frank. Frank is angry. John apologises to Frank. Frank doesn’t accept his apology immediately. John gets angry. John and Frank are no longer friends.
The purpose of using a very null scenario was to eliminate any judgement calls based on the situation. This is about as straightforward as it gets.
Easy SituationIt is easy for Frank to make the decision to not forgive John quickly. It is either he accepts it or he doesn’t. There may a variety of reasons why Frank doesn’t accept it quickly but he doesn’t. At the end of the day, all the decisions are that easy. You are either going to do or your aren’t. It is either going to be in the negative or the affirmative. Again, this is one of the gifts and one of the curses in the power and freedom of options.
Slightly Complex Situation
From John’s Perspective – John is angry at Frank because he didn’t easily and quickly make the decision to forgive him.
From Frank’s Perspective – John is really asking Frank to do something that is totally contradictory to what he is essentially asking for forgiveness for. John is asking Frank to make a quick, un-calculated, non-intelligent decision. John is giving Frank no time to work through it. John is essentially asking Frank to forgive him for not weighing his options before making a decision. How can John ask Frank to do something, make it seem simple, and then get angry when it doesn’t go his way.
That scenario is what I feel about options. When a good decision is made as a result of the options presented everyone is happy, but when the converse happens some ask you to quickly retreat to the same feeling you would get if there was a good decision made. For me NO I will not! We all make mistakes and I am okay with that, but you cannot make a terrible decision and then hope for the other party to quickly move on past it. It is going to take time. The word “I’m Sorry” (A topic of a future blog) is not the magic words that makes everything to be okay. Whatever you did to trangress against the other person…that person felt the result of your decision or your failure to understand the power and freedom that you have in options.
The flip side of it all is that some people like to accumulate options. The power and freedom in options is being subverted to feel whatever feeling that he/she may have. I am reminded of a quote by George Orwell “Power is not a means. It is an end.” There are a lot of people who feel that having many options givens them the power and means to control a situation. (Which I believe it is essentially true), but like the second part of that quote says it is also an end. The options that youchose to hold on to are the gateway to the end. This reminds me a lot of dating. Especially with men, there is an idea that you must keep your options open when dating so that you can have the power to eventually make a decision on which person you want to date. Great, but what is that the end of? That is the end of a chance to understand people on an intimate level. For a lot of people, that is the end of their honesty as they will lie to the other people they are dating. The end of really putting your life into perspective and seeing how a person may or may not fit in it. The end of being able to walk away from the situation without hurting other people in the long run. (I am going to end it there, because I have a whole blog dedicated to dating to…I think the sentiment is there.)
Options are powerful. They give you the freedom of choice and the right the choose. This can be something good or something bad. I think it should be known that making intelligent decisions and understanding your options can be hard. Its hards, it scary, and its good for you. I really think that we will be a better people if we understood the magnitude of options.

Cryptic is So Overrated

Posted in Overrated by mpal219 on 23/10/2009

Cryptic Crossword PuzzleCryptic: having or seeming to have a hidden or ambiguous meaning

Since I was a small child I have grown up mostly around women. I was the youngest in my house with mostly my sisters around, most of my friends are girls, even my current living situations are with girls. (It is very unfortunate that I am not really into them romantically–but I digress.) I have done a lot of soul searching in order to figure out why  I like women so much more than man. Because women live by the motto ‘cryptic is so overrated.’

One of my favourite people in the world is my friend Renee. She is the furthest thing from cryptic. If she has an issue with you…she will be the first one to tell you. There is NEVER a mystery about what is bothering her. I think this type of communication really helps our relationship. Then again she is a woman. Another good example are a lot of Lesbians that I know. Although I think they can move to fast, Lesbians are very good at telling their partners how they feel. They (almost) disregard any type of insecurities or limitiations that the other partner may have or feel. In their mind they feel the way they feel….take it or leave it. I admire than in lesbians. At least it allows them to work through their problems or at least figure out that the other woman may not be on the save wave length. (Note: I am only speaking of my lesbian friends…I am not speaking about lesbians in general so please save your letters and/or e-mails.

Men are totally different. They are the eptiome of cryptic. There is always some underlying message, some underlying question, or an underlying situation that is not said and only subtle clues are being left for the other person to figure out. One of my favourite examples was a roommate I had years ago who started not filling up the ice trays in freezer just because he was mad that he took out the garbage more than I did. When he finally told me I was very confused as to why we couldn’t have a conversation about instead of going down that road.

Gay men are worse! It really has come clear that men are cryptic until the last couple of guys that I’ve dated. (P.S. For the sake of privacy I am not going to ever use the person’s real name…I hope you follow my blog and follow the names that go along with it.) With the last couple of guys that I dated I think there is something that is not being said or something that needs to be said. One of the guys (Buster) would leave these cryptic Facebook statuses all the time in hopes that I would solve the puzzle similar to the one above. I really can’t stand being cryptic. I think what needs to be said needs to get out in the open. Some may say that being cryptic spares the other’s feelings. But I think it is the opposite. I think it is a form of dishonestly that will ultimately lead to an even larger problem or situation that could have been dealt with earlier. This is one of the many reasons why I hate dating so much. I really wish that people would be honest with me and tell me what they really feel. However, I don’t expect much. Being cyptic contributes to my misanthropy…and therefore misanthropy is so underrated.